alcohol, anxiety, life, medication, mental health, women

paralysis by analysis

I’m an overthinker.   Honestly, it holds me back from much of what it is that I am meant to be doing.  Ideas get locked in the execution.  My mind spins a quick thought that I am often not even sure if I believe and the spinning takes over.  I hate it.  It is not always where I was.  I used to be more outgoing and carefree with a stronger sense of trust.  Right now I am a little lost.  

I have to make a plan, as it is really making me act in ways that I am not proud of.  I find myself doing things I normally wouldn’t do.  And damn it, all of it is just not me and slowly chipping away at my personality.  Beyond analysis paralysis.  It is like I am willing crazy to happen and throwing myself into a different kind of anxiety.  

It keeps me up at night.  Sometimes I drink too much.  I lose focus and don’t necessarily get things done.  Well, not what I want to.

I’m trying to make a vow to try here.  Hopefully this venue can be the host for some of my jackass thoughts.  Maybe I can even keep a steady flow of some things that make me laugh.  With the current state of things, I am frustrated, and a bit irritated with myself for letting things be the way that they are.  

It’s time to laugh or cry.  Normally I can be found laughing.  Unfortunately, I have spent way too much of the last year crying.

What really sucks, is that at that moment when I finally decide, “Ok, I’m standing up.  This is not going to happen anymore.”  Someone plays a trick on me and makes me think that I’m missing something somewhere.  Then, I sit back down again and wait for things to get better.  I need to say, “Fuck you.  You lie.”  But in trying to save something, anything, I repeatedly give things a chance.  

Anyway, while I know that I should have started this years ago … back when I was a bit more articulate, a bit more interesting, and actually had some shit going on.  You get me now.

After an emergency room visit quite a few months ago, a doctor suggested that I stop taking some of the meds that I was on.  He suggested this because he thought that perhaps after years of taking this medication I somehow randomly started having side effects causing numbness and tingling in my limbs.  Foolishly he had me abruptly stop, even though I asked, “Shouldn’t I taper off?”  In retrospect, the sudden stop could have caused some issues.

As of five days ago I have decided to start taking it again to see how that goes.  Unfortunately, I was at a therapeutic dose of 300mgs a day … and it is a med that requires a VERY slow titration starting at 25mgs a day with small increases every two weeks.  It’s going to take a little while.  

Enough about all that.  Going forward, the bulk of the content on this page will focus on me being the silly jackass that I am underneath all of this!

 

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3 Comments on “paralysis by analysis

  1. I hear ya on meds. I quit taking mine a couple of years ago but life has been up and down to say the least. I’m actually diagnosed bipolar but find treating it as a spiritual matter rather than medical diagnosis has helped me cope with it. I hope all goes well and hope to read more posts.

    1. Thanks so much. This post is a static top of the page posts. More recent posts are underneath. The more recent posts deal with me trying to stay away from the alcohol at the moment.

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