I never said that I didn’t suck …


Mr. Muscle forcing bursting; Stingy thingy into little me, me, me; But just “ripple” said the cripple; As my jaw dropped to the ground; Smile, smile …” – Antony and the Johnsons

So, yeah.  A year of stresses out of my control and I have become invisible.  Barely existing at times, really.  To make matters worse I seem to have taken a dive into a pool of heavy drinking.  While I might be pretty damn good at the drinking, I really am not all that great of a swimmer.  To be truthful, I don’t even like having my head under water.  Yet I find myself in the deep end drinking for all the wrong reasons.  This of course has left me neck high in a stack of unfinished projects and has caused me to be quite unproductive overall.  Admittedly, it is also creating a different version of me.  I’m kind of isolating myself.  I’d say it was a bit depressing, and that I am starting to hate myself, but fuck that.  I’m really not depressed at all.  I’m angry.  And I really don’t hate myself, because I am far too arrogant.  I’m just disappointed in myself for letting things evolve this way.

In an effort to insert an applicable image at the top of this page, I was creatively searching and found myself immersed in pictures of Korean women with live crayfish sticking out of their mouths.  After spending some time considering if that was the direction I wanted to go with, I did a simple Google image search for “suck.”  Google was kind enough to offer me the suggestion of “suck my dick quotes.”  In the end I opted to create my own.  If only I was able to use the great pornographic motion font that I have where the letter “L” morphs into an ejaculating penis, and well, I don’t really think that you need me to explain what happens to the letter “Q.”

I have now put myself in a position where I actually have to produce some work.  Scary, right?  I suddenly have to be accountable for my creativity.  I’m hoping that is a good thing.  As you have seen over the last several months, I certainly have not put that effort into contributions to this blog.  A shame really, because with all that drinking I could have been pretty all out ridiculous.  (Ring, ring, ring …) “That would be Oates wanting to know why he did not make it onto the album.”  As many years ago as I made that statement, I still remember that when I said it I was sitting in a broken gazebo drinking vodka and lemonade.  Later in the night experimenting with cotton candy snow cones and vodka.  If only I could remember what album that was.  Anyway, I apologize to Paul for my lack of contribution.  I also wish him the happiest of birthdays and have a tiny little gift awaiting him.  I’ll give it a try to keep contributions more frequent, and maybe try to ease up on the drink.  As another gesture of generosity, I will display this here picture of Nicholas Cage on a cupcake.

I actually have had an awful lot to say lately, but honestly, none of it was anything that I wanted to admit to myself.  I still don’t.  So I am not quite sure how to live with it all yet.  This morning I woke up with an urgency to organize my mind.  My hope is to release all of that which has been killing me for so long now.  Maybe I’ll actually come back.  Exist again.  Be a presence in the world rather than that shadow with a drink in her hand.

My mama always told me I had a lot of wasted potential.

Until we meet again, my friend.

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6 Comments on “I never said that I didn’t suck …

  1. You should give a listen to Frightened Rabbit’s album The Winter of Mixed Drinks. It’s a concept album about a depressed alcoholic who tries to drink himself to death, and it’s got some fantastic metaphors about drowning. Tons of fun, as you can imagine.

    1. Thanks! I will definitely check that out. Always looking for new music. Right now I am fighting the hangover from my night last night … I did not exercise any restraint unfortunately. Beautiful day out too. Wish I was more of an active part of it.

      1. I know that feeling. I’m a bit of a recluse myself, but when I do manage to drag myself off of the couch and take my dog for a walk I never regret it. It’s just too bad you have to work your way up to doing it all over again the next time.

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